Sassy Lassie .net

Circle of life

I went to see my mother for Mother's Day on Sunday.  This was a Very Big Deal, and not just because she lives 2 1/2+ hours away and it means a full day of 5-6 hours of driving round trip.  My mother and I have an extremely complicated relationship - one that I have worked very hard to understand and deal with for the past few years.  Which I'm glad I did, because her health is not doing well.  It is not doing well at all. 

My mother is dying of cancer.

This is difficult under any circumstance.  I am trying to process so many complex feelings, and I have just been a jumble of emotions for the past 2 days.  I burst in to tears at the drop of a hat.  I think the hardest thing in all of this is that I did not have a rosy relationship with my mother, so I am mourning the dream of what I wish our relationship had been.  I had no idea on my wedding day if she would show up or not.  We have gone extended periods without talking, some at her instigation, some at mine.  I forgave her long ago, and understand that she did the absolute best that she could given her circumstances.  I know deep down she loves me.  And I love her.  After all, she's my mother.  She gave me life.  And now she's losing hers.

My mother tends to exaggerate everything and blow it out of proportion, which has made it extremely difficult throughout her illness to determine the truth from the embellishments.  And I think what shook me up the most on Sunday was that her bravado was stripped away, leaving in it's place a scared woman confronting the reality that the end was near. 

She was diagnosed with cancer many years ago, and has defied the odds and the doctors' predictions time and time again.  This has taken a toll on her...it is exhausting for anyone to deal with the specter of death hanging over their head for so long.  I asked her on Sunday how she felt about dying, which was one of the most difficult questions I have ever had to ask.  She said, "I just wish it would happen already.  I'm tired."

I believe the saddest thing in all of this is that my mother spent the last 15 years "dying."  Even when she was in (much) better health, she lived like a dying woman.  It makes me sad that she missed so many good years, and so much happiness, and so many good things.

And in the end, I think that this may be one of the most loving things that my mother has given me.  I thought she was teaching me how to die.  But my dear friend L. pointed out that in this, the final months of her life...she is teaching me how to live.

Days like this, I really love my job

I've been doing a lot of networking lately these past couple of months.  I'm not sure why, but this year I finally "got it."  I understand what networking is about, and how it works. I discovered I can easily talk to people, and figured out how to follow up and follow through.  Or maybe I just came in to my own this year after everything that has happened, and finally stepped in to who I authentically am. 

Regardless...it's working for me.

I went to a networking event early in the week that was hosted by a woman that I met at the end of February.  This woman works as a Senior Executive for a financial institution, and we connected personally.  I followed up and we met for coffee in early March -- that was when she told me that her daughter's friends had just adopted a baby who has some serious vision issues.  I gave her my card, told her about our children's program, and  described how we help families deal with the process of navigating the bureaucracy involved in getting their child's needs met in the school system.  We see children as young as 6 months old, and honestly?  The sooner they start getting help, the easier it is for them to adjust. 

When I saw this woman at the networking event this week, she gave me an update.  "Lives were changed because of Visionary," she told me.  "I can't tell you the profound difference you made in this family's life.  Lives were CHANGED."  She then proceeded to rave about Visionary to the networking group and told them the story of the family and how we had helped and made such an important and significant difference to them. 

Gotta say, it made me pretty happy.  Very good day at work.

Kinda makes makes it all worthwhile, no?

Because God has a sense of humor

This day, eleven years ago, I experienced the Happiest Day Of My Life.  I was visiting my then boyfriend's family in Northern California.  I woke up and had breakfast at one of my favorite sidewalk cafes while the boyfriend went and ran some errands.  I wrote in my journal, spent some time people watching, and relaxed with an amazing chai tea latte in my hand.  The boyfriend picked me up, and we went for a hike on the same trail we hiked on on our second date.  I was talking to the boyfriend about something, but he wasn't paying attention to me.  I got annoyed and called him on it.  The next thing I knew he had pulled out a ring and was on one knee proposing to me.  This was the day X. became my fiance.  And fifteen months later, he became my husband. 

That afternoon was a flurry of celebrating with X.'s family, and getting a manicure (since I became veeery left handed all of a sudden), calling my family (X. had already asked them for my hand in marriage), and being oh-so-happy that my life was on track, right where I wanted it to be.   I have never been so happy, or so in love, or so giddy with possibility as I was on that day.  My wedding day was rife with family drama, but my Engagement Day?  My Engagement Day was perfection.

Fast forward eleven years.  I got a call from X. at work today.  I couldn't talk for long because I was running out to a meeting, but he let me know that he had just heard from his lawyer, and our divorce judgment was signed and recorded today.  TODAY.  Of all days.  It really threw me for a loop.

I had been ready for this.  I was looking forward to it, even.  For the last few weeks I've been antsy to have it finished.  I proclaimed I want my name back!  I want this hellish year to be over!  I want to be able to officially move on!  I am ready to begin the rest of my life!  I imagined what it would feel like to get the papers in the mail.  Every envelope I received from my lawyer was opened with bated breath in anticipation of FINALLY!  DIVORCED!  YAY!  ...And then a slight twinge of disappointment when it wasn't that piece of paper I was waiting for. 

It never occurred to me that it would happen on this day of all days.  I mean...really...what are the odds??

 

I made it through my meeting somehow, and couldn't get to a glass of wine quickly enough.  I figured I deserved it.  Needed it.  I decided not to go back to work - there was no way I could concentrate anyway, and besides, I had worked 10+ hours the day before so I could afford to take off early.

I told X. I would call him back after my meeting, so I did.  I wasn't quite sure what to say to him... "Happy Divorce?"  "Congratulations we're no longer together?"  It was one of the stranger moments in my life.  I wanted to share this huge moment, commemorate it in some way...but all that came out was, "Well, God certainly has a sense of humor.  His timing is impeccable."

Afterwards I went and sat on the beach and watched the sunset.

I wanted to cry, but the tears never came.  I just felt numb.  Detached.  Empty.  And somewhere, deep where I could barely touch it, very very sad. 

So life goes on.  I am now officially divorced.  On the same day I got engaged.  How odd.

I'm baaaack

Hello internet!  I've missed you!  Sorry I disappeared for awhile -- I needed some time off to deal with Life.  I had some very good things happen...and some stressful things, but I'm here now and hope you will hop back on the ride with me. 

In the meantime, here's a pretty picture to celebrate spring!

Jeckyll & Hyde

A strange shift has happened:  X. has been affable and pleasant, showing me respect and consideration.  It's disconcerting, and a bit unnerving.  This is a side of him that I haven't seen for years, and I'm sure it's no coincidence that it comes only after I set firm boundaries and established myself as "other."  I fully realize that this is only appearing because I disengaged, and am now seeing the external mask that he puts on for the rest of the world.  This, of course, was the man I thought I was marrying. This was not the man I divorced.

But still...it's a welcome change.

It makes me very nostalgic for the Way Things Were once upon a lifetime ago.  It also makes me very sad that I didn't get to experience that side of X. within the context of our marriage.

If I've learned anything from my marital experience, it's that all sorts of complicated dynamics get triggered in an intimate relationship.  It is widely believed that you choose your partner to help you heal the wounds from your childhood (albeit unconsciously).  This is why your significant other can be so completely different in an intimate relationship from the person that the rest of the world sees.  This is also why you can never really be sure what goes on in a marriage (or LTR) unless you are one of the two people ACTUALLY IN it. 

Throughout this whole divorce process I couldn't wait to be free of X.  He was such a freakin' tool to me the last few years, not to mention throughout the entire separation/divorce process. 

But now?  Now I mourn the loss of the Nice Guy he once was to me.  And try to make sense of the Other Guy he became.

Drawing a line in the sand

I had to deal with X. last week for some last minute things regarding the divorce that needed to be taken care of.  We were talking on the phone and he took that tone with me that he used so often in our relationship.  Very condescending, slightly contemptuous, with a slight air of arrogance.  But THIS time there was a major difference:  I realized that for the first time in so very long...he had no power over me.  None.  There was nothing I needed from him, nothing that he held over me, nothing he could do to me...  He had no control over me. 

It was remarkable.  And completely freeing.

I held my ground in our discussion.  I set boundaries, and refused to let those boundaries  be breached.  And to my complete surprise...he backed off.  I couldn't believe it.  It felt like the bully in the schoolyard who keeps coming at you until you stand up to him -- only then does he back down and you discover that your power was within you all along.   

And in that moment, I was truly divorced.

Because relationships weren't complicated enough

My recent break-up has gotten me thinking about the way women should be treated in a relationships, and they ways we do -- or don't -- learn these things.  Conventional wisdom says you learn by example in early childhood by watching your parents.  Dad treats Mom with love and attention and respect?  That's what learn you expect from a mate.  Dad doesn't?  Well then, that is The Way Things Should Be.  Later you go out and choose partners who help you mirror that dynamic.  Of course, most of this is unconsciously adopted (who would think to themselves, "Gee?  I wanna choose someone who treats me like crap!"), which is why so often we grow up and land smack dab in the middle of the same relationship dynamics that we grew up with. 

So how can we (re)learn how a woman should be treated?

Fortunately, in my own quest I've found a good therapist who has help me recognize why I excused the inexcusable.  And I have great friends who have gently - but firmly - shown me what I should expect:

• They should speak with respect and admiration
• Smile when I walk in the room
• Take ownership of their actions, and be able to say "I'm sorry" when they're wrong.
• Open my door, and be gentlemanly
  
• Make me feel good about myself, and accept me for who I am
• Make me laugh, and find me funny, too
  
• Pay when we go out
• Make me a top priority
• Juggle their schedule to make time to see me
• Be nurturing
• Gladly carry the heavy things for me, because they can and it makes them feel useful
• Be responsible

While many of these things seem like they are just common sense...it has been surprising for me to discover that for me they haven't been.  Soon after I began dating again, I had a small disagreement with someone I was seeing casually.  He was in the wrong, and when I called him on it, he fessed up to it and said he was sorry.  But the biggest shock to me was that it was a BIG SHOCK to me.  I couldn't recall a relationship I'd had in recent memory where someone actually ACKNOWLEDGED that they were wrong and said "I'm sorry" to make amends without a lot of angst and teeth gnashing and defensiveness and back-and-forth.  The simplicity with which this apology happened was startling to me.  When I was relaying the events to my friend Kimberly, she blew my mind when she said, "This is what you should EXPECT.  Of course he should say "I'm sorry" when he's wrong.  You should EXPECT this."

Oh.

You can read all the books in the world and know intellectually what you should demand for yourself, but actually experiencing it? is a whole different ballgame.

Breaking up is hard to do

I had my very first boyfriend when I was 7 years old.   We would hold hands and talk and giggle during recess...which is pretty much all you do at 7 years old.  For my birthday he gave me a little silver jewelry box in the shape of a heart with red velvet lining...which I still have.  (!!)  We never really ended things -- I just moved away and that was that.   Ah, those were the days.

Actually, I've never broken up with anyone.  Ever.  Now, this doesn't mean that I never had a relationship end.  It just means that I seemed to always find myself in the position of being the dumpee, not the dumper.  I've spent many hours in therapy understanding why this is so, but suffice it to say that I tend to hang on to relationships long after their expiration dates have come and gone.  I seem to adopt the attitude "I'm am going to hang on to this damn thing and fix it if it kills me!" 

Thus, it was a very big deal for me when I decided I needed to break up with Bass Man. 

There was so much that was right about our relationship and that I loved about being with him.  But ultimately I knew it just wasn't the right fit, and that the relationship wasn't going to go the distance. I won't go in to the gritty details of why it became apparent that this needed to happen -- let's just say his priorities were a little skewed.  No amount of talking seemed to change things.  It was time to move on. 

I called my friend Erin for a pep-talk:

Erin:  "Go out for coffee.  Just tell him that you have different relationship styles, and it's not working for you.  Be prepared that he may try and talk you out of it, he may become defensive, but stick to your guns."

Me:  "That's brilliant!  Wait...let me get that down in my Treo..."

A few hours later I picked him up, we went out for coffee, and I chickened out for a good 45 minutes.  We sat there in Starbucks talking about other things.  I got up to go to the bathroom twice so I could look at my notes in my Treo and steel my nerves. 

Finally I realized no perfect time was going to come, and said, "Look, there's a conversation that we need to have that I really don't want to have..."  And I proceeded to say all the things Erin and I had gone over.  I tried to be as respectful and honest and gentle as possible.  It took him a little bit to understand that I was breaking up with him, and not just talking about an issue to be addressed.   He teared up.  I cried.  And cried. 

It was HARD.  SO MUCH HARDER than I ever thought it would be.  I guess it doesn't matter which side of breaking up you are on...it is painful and it sucks either way.  That was a shocker.  I somehow thought it would be easier being the initiator. 

Not so much. 

A week and a half later it still smarts.  He was my first "post-Ex" relationship, and though I didn't start writing about it until later here, we had been going out for a number of months.  I know I did the right thing.  But still...

I was talking to another friend the other day and telling her what happened, and she said, "You know, the gift in all of this is that you made a choice for yourself and realized you have a voice.  That's important."

I hadn't really thought of it that way.  I guess it is.

Suuuuuuper Tuesday!

Just a reminder to GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!!  Yes, your one little vote CAN make a difference.  There's a reason that seniors are the largest voting demographic -- they know it actually MATTERS and CHANGES THINGS.

And if you don't vote?  You don't get to complain.  ;)

See you at the polls!!

New look!

Some of you may notice that I have changed the look and feel of my blog.  I wanted something that reflected a bit more of who I really was...and anyone who knows me knows that I am SUCH a girlie girl.  Pink makes me happy.  Frou frou makes me happy.  Tea parties make me happy.  Personally, I believe that it is possible to be a smart, savvy, sophisticated, accomplished woman...AND still embrace your inner tween.  I look forward to exploring some of those issues here, and would love to hear your feedback.

For now, here is a little sumpin' sumpin' to kick us off right.   Hysterical!  I think I have a girl crush on Sarah Silverman.