Sassy Lassie .net

Jeckyll & Hyde

A strange shift has happened:  X. has been affable and pleasant, showing me respect and consideration.  It's disconcerting, and a bit unnerving.  This is a side of him that I haven't seen for years, and I'm sure it's no coincidence that it comes only after I set firm boundaries and established myself as "other."  I fully realize that this is only appearing because I disengaged, and am now seeing the external mask that he puts on for the rest of the world.  This, of course, was the man I thought I was marrying. This was not the man I divorced.

But still...it's a welcome change.

It makes me very nostalgic for the Way Things Were once upon a lifetime ago.  It also makes me very sad that I didn't get to experience that side of X. within the context of our marriage.

If I've learned anything from my marital experience, it's that all sorts of complicated dynamics get triggered in an intimate relationship.  It is widely believed that you choose your partner to help you heal the wounds from your childhood (albeit unconsciously).  This is why your significant other can be so completely different in an intimate relationship from the person that the rest of the world sees.  This is also why you can never really be sure what goes on in a marriage (or LTR) unless you are one of the two people ACTUALLY IN it. 

Throughout this whole divorce process I couldn't wait to be free of X.  He was such a freakin' tool to me the last few years, not to mention throughout the entire separation/divorce process. 

But now?  Now I mourn the loss of the Nice Guy he once was to me.  And try to make sense of the Other Guy he became.

Drawing a line in the sand

I had to deal with X. last week for some last minute things regarding the divorce that needed to be taken care of.  We were talking on the phone and he took that tone with me that he used so often in our relationship.  Very condescending, slightly contemptuous, with a slight air of arrogance.  But THIS time there was a major difference:  I realized that for the first time in so very long...he had no power over me.  None.  There was nothing I needed from him, nothing that he held over me, nothing he could do to me...  He had no control over me. 

It was remarkable.  And completely freeing.

I held my ground in our discussion.  I set boundaries, and refused to let those boundaries  be breached.  And to my complete surprise...he backed off.  I couldn't believe it.  It felt like the bully in the schoolyard who keeps coming at you until you stand up to him -- only then does he back down and you discover that your power was within you all along.   

And in that moment, I was truly divorced.

Because relationships weren't complicated enough

My recent break-up has gotten me thinking about the way women should be treated in a relationships, and they ways we do -- or don't -- learn these things.  Conventional wisdom says you learn by example in early childhood by watching your parents.  Dad treats Mom with love and attention and respect?  That's what learn you expect from a mate.  Dad doesn't?  Well then, that is The Way Things Should Be.  Later you go out and choose partners who help you mirror that dynamic.  Of course, most of this is unconsciously adopted (who would think to themselves, "Gee?  I wanna choose someone who treats me like crap!"), which is why so often we grow up and land smack dab in the middle of the same relationship dynamics that we grew up with. 

So how can we (re)learn how a woman should be treated?

Fortunately, in my own quest I've found a good therapist who has help me recognize why I excused the inexcusable.  And I have great friends who have gently - but firmly - shown me what I should expect:

• They should speak with respect and admiration
• Smile when I walk in the room
• Take ownership of their actions, and be able to say "I'm sorry" when they're wrong.
• Open my door, and be gentlemanly
  
• Make me feel good about myself, and accept me for who I am
• Make me laugh, and find me funny, too
  
• Pay when we go out
• Make me a top priority
• Juggle their schedule to make time to see me
• Be nurturing
• Gladly carry the heavy things for me, because they can and it makes them feel useful
• Be responsible

While many of these things seem like they are just common sense...it has been surprising for me to discover that for me they haven't been.  Soon after I began dating again, I had a small disagreement with someone I was seeing casually.  He was in the wrong, and when I called him on it, he fessed up to it and said he was sorry.  But the biggest shock to me was that it was a BIG SHOCK to me.  I couldn't recall a relationship I'd had in recent memory where someone actually ACKNOWLEDGED that they were wrong and said "I'm sorry" to make amends without a lot of angst and teeth gnashing and defensiveness and back-and-forth.  The simplicity with which this apology happened was startling to me.  When I was relaying the events to my friend Kimberly, she blew my mind when she said, "This is what you should EXPECT.  Of course he should say "I'm sorry" when he's wrong.  You should EXPECT this."

Oh.

You can read all the books in the world and know intellectually what you should demand for yourself, but actually experiencing it? is a whole different ballgame.

Breaking up is hard to do

I had my very first boyfriend when I was 7 years old.   We would hold hands and talk and giggle during recess...which is pretty much all you do at 7 years old.  For my birthday he gave me a little silver jewelry box in the shape of a heart with red velvet lining...which I still have.  (!!)  We never really ended things -- I just moved away and that was that.   Ah, those were the days.

Actually, I've never broken up with anyone.  Ever.  Now, this doesn't mean that I never had a relationship end.  It just means that I seemed to always find myself in the position of being the dumpee, not the dumper.  I've spent many hours in therapy understanding why this is so, but suffice it to say that I tend to hang on to relationships long after their expiration dates have come and gone.  I seem to adopt the attitude "I'm am going to hang on to this damn thing and fix it if it kills me!" 

Thus, it was a very big deal for me when I decided I needed to break up with Bass Man. 

There was so much that was right about our relationship and that I loved about being with him.  But ultimately I knew it just wasn't the right fit, and that the relationship wasn't going to go the distance. I won't go in to the gritty details of why it became apparent that this needed to happen -- let's just say his priorities were a little skewed.  No amount of talking seemed to change things.  It was time to move on. 

I called my friend Erin for a pep-talk:

Erin:  "Go out for coffee.  Just tell him that you have different relationship styles, and it's not working for you.  Be prepared that he may try and talk you out of it, he may become defensive, but stick to your guns."

Me:  "That's brilliant!  Wait...let me get that down in my Treo..."

A few hours later I picked him up, we went out for coffee, and I chickened out for a good 45 minutes.  We sat there in Starbucks talking about other things.  I got up to go to the bathroom twice so I could look at my notes in my Treo and steel my nerves. 

Finally I realized no perfect time was going to come, and said, "Look, there's a conversation that we need to have that I really don't want to have..."  And I proceeded to say all the things Erin and I had gone over.  I tried to be as respectful and honest and gentle as possible.  It took him a little bit to understand that I was breaking up with him, and not just talking about an issue to be addressed.   He teared up.  I cried.  And cried. 

It was HARD.  SO MUCH HARDER than I ever thought it would be.  I guess it doesn't matter which side of breaking up you are on...it is painful and it sucks either way.  That was a shocker.  I somehow thought it would be easier being the initiator. 

Not so much. 

A week and a half later it still smarts.  He was my first "post-Ex" relationship, and though I didn't start writing about it until later here, we had been going out for a number of months.  I know I did the right thing.  But still...

I was talking to another friend the other day and telling her what happened, and she said, "You know, the gift in all of this is that you made a choice for yourself and realized you have a voice.  That's important."

I hadn't really thought of it that way.  I guess it is.

Suuuuuuper Tuesday!

Just a reminder to GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!!  Yes, your one little vote CAN make a difference.  There's a reason that seniors are the largest voting demographic -- they know it actually MATTERS and CHANGES THINGS.

And if you don't vote?  You don't get to complain.  ;)

See you at the polls!!

New look!

Some of you may notice that I have changed the look and feel of my blog.  I wanted something that reflected a bit more of who I really was...and anyone who knows me knows that I am SUCH a girlie girl.  Pink makes me happy.  Frou frou makes me happy.  Tea parties make me happy.  Personally, I believe that it is possible to be a smart, savvy, sophisticated, accomplished woman...AND still embrace your inner tween.  I look forward to exploring some of those issues here, and would love to hear your feedback.

For now, here is a little sumpin' sumpin' to kick us off right.   Hysterical!  I think I have a girl crush on Sarah Silverman.