This day, eleven years ago, I experienced the Happiest Day Of My Life. I was visiting my then boyfriend's family in Northern California. I woke up and had breakfast at one of my favorite sidewalk cafes while the boyfriend went and ran some errands. I wrote in my journal, spent some time people watching, and relaxed with an amazing chai tea latte in my hand. The boyfriend picked me up, and we went for a hike on the same trail we hiked on on our second date. I was talking to the boyfriend about something, but he wasn't paying attention to me. I got annoyed and called him on it. The next thing I knew he had pulled out a ring and was on one knee proposing to me. This was the day X. became my fiance. And fifteen months later, he became my husband.
That afternoon was a flurry of celebrating with X.'s family, and getting a manicure (since I became veeery left handed all of a sudden), calling my family (X. had already asked them for my hand in marriage), and being oh-so-happy that my life was on track, right where I wanted it to be. I have never been so happy, or so in love, or so giddy with possibility as I was on that day. My wedding day was rife with family drama, but my Engagement Day? My Engagement Day was perfection.
Fast forward eleven years. I got a call from X. at work today. I couldn't talk for long because I was running out to a meeting, but he let me know that he had just heard from his lawyer, and our divorce judgment was signed and recorded today. TODAY. Of all days. It really threw me for a loop.
I had been ready for this. I was looking forward to it, even. For the last few weeks I've been antsy to have it finished. I proclaimed I want my name back! I want this hellish year to be over! I want to be able to officially move on! I am ready to begin the rest of my life! I imagined what it would feel like to get the papers in the mail. Every envelope I received from my lawyer was opened with bated breath in anticipation of FINALLY! DIVORCED! YAY! ...And then a slight twinge of disappointment when it wasn't that piece of paper I was waiting for.
It never occurred to me that it would happen on this day of all days. I mean...really...what are the odds??
I made it through my meeting somehow, and couldn't get to a glass of wine quickly enough. I figured I deserved it. Needed it. I decided not to go back to work - there was no way I could concentrate anyway, and besides, I had worked 10+ hours the day before so I could afford to take off early.
I told X. I would call him back after my meeting, so I did. I wasn't quite sure what to say to him... "Happy Divorce?" "Congratulations we're no longer together?" It was one of the stranger moments in my life. I wanted to share this huge moment, commemorate it in some way...but all that came out was, "Well, God certainly has a sense of humor. His timing is impeccable."
Afterwards I went and sat on the beach and watched the sunset.
I wanted to cry, but the tears never came. I just felt numb. Detached. Empty. And somewhere, deep where I could barely touch it, very very sad.
So life goes on. I am now officially divorced. On the same day I got engaged. How odd.