Sassy Lassie .net

Circle of life

I went to see my mother for Mother's Day on Sunday.  This was a Very Big Deal, and not just because she lives 2 1/2+ hours away and it means a full day of 5-6 hours of driving round trip.  My mother and I have an extremely complicated relationship - one that I have worked very hard to understand and deal with for the past few years.  Which I'm glad I did, because her health is not doing well.  It is not doing well at all. 

My mother is dying of cancer.

This is difficult under any circumstance.  I am trying to process so many complex feelings, and I have just been a jumble of emotions for the past 2 days.  I burst in to tears at the drop of a hat.  I think the hardest thing in all of this is that I did not have a rosy relationship with my mother, so I am mourning the dream of what I wish our relationship had been.  I had no idea on my wedding day if she would show up or not.  We have gone extended periods without talking, some at her instigation, some at mine.  I forgave her long ago, and understand that she did the absolute best that she could given her circumstances.  I know deep down she loves me.  And I love her.  After all, she's my mother.  She gave me life.  And now she's losing hers.

My mother tends to exaggerate everything and blow it out of proportion, which has made it extremely difficult throughout her illness to determine the truth from the embellishments.  And I think what shook me up the most on Sunday was that her bravado was stripped away, leaving in it's place a scared woman confronting the reality that the end was near. 

She was diagnosed with cancer many years ago, and has defied the odds and the doctors' predictions time and time again.  This has taken a toll on her...it is exhausting for anyone to deal with the specter of death hanging over their head for so long.  I asked her on Sunday how she felt about dying, which was one of the most difficult questions I have ever had to ask.  She said, "I just wish it would happen already.  I'm tired."

I believe the saddest thing in all of this is that my mother spent the last 15 years "dying."  Even when she was in (much) better health, she lived like a dying woman.  It makes me sad that she missed so many good years, and so much happiness, and so many good things.

And in the end, I think that this may be one of the most loving things that my mother has given me.  I thought she was teaching me how to die.  But my dear friend L. pointed out that in this, the final months of her life...she is teaching me how to live.

Days like this, I really love my job

I've been doing a lot of networking lately these past couple of months.  I'm not sure why, but this year I finally "got it."  I understand what networking is about, and how it works. I discovered I can easily talk to people, and figured out how to follow up and follow through.  Or maybe I just came in to my own this year after everything that has happened, and finally stepped in to who I authentically am. 

Regardless...it's working for me.

I went to a networking event early in the week that was hosted by a woman that I met at the end of February.  This woman works as a Senior Executive for a financial institution, and we connected personally.  I followed up and we met for coffee in early March -- that was when she told me that her daughter's friends had just adopted a baby who has some serious vision issues.  I gave her my card, told her about our children's program, and  described how we help families deal with the process of navigating the bureaucracy involved in getting their child's needs met in the school system.  We see children as young as 6 months old, and honestly?  The sooner they start getting help, the easier it is for them to adjust. 

When I saw this woman at the networking event this week, she gave me an update.  "Lives were changed because of Visionary," she told me.  "I can't tell you the profound difference you made in this family's life.  Lives were CHANGED."  She then proceeded to rave about Visionary to the networking group and told them the story of the family and how we had helped and made such an important and significant difference to them. 

Gotta say, it made me pretty happy.  Very good day at work.

Kinda makes makes it all worthwhile, no?

Because God has a sense of humor

This day, eleven years ago, I experienced the Happiest Day Of My Life.  I was visiting my then boyfriend's family in Northern California.  I woke up and had breakfast at one of my favorite sidewalk cafes while the boyfriend went and ran some errands.  I wrote in my journal, spent some time people watching, and relaxed with an amazing chai tea latte in my hand.  The boyfriend picked me up, and we went for a hike on the same trail we hiked on on our second date.  I was talking to the boyfriend about something, but he wasn't paying attention to me.  I got annoyed and called him on it.  The next thing I knew he had pulled out a ring and was on one knee proposing to me.  This was the day X. became my fiance.  And fifteen months later, he became my husband. 

That afternoon was a flurry of celebrating with X.'s family, and getting a manicure (since I became veeery left handed all of a sudden), calling my family (X. had already asked them for my hand in marriage), and being oh-so-happy that my life was on track, right where I wanted it to be.   I have never been so happy, or so in love, or so giddy with possibility as I was on that day.  My wedding day was rife with family drama, but my Engagement Day?  My Engagement Day was perfection.

Fast forward eleven years.  I got a call from X. at work today.  I couldn't talk for long because I was running out to a meeting, but he let me know that he had just heard from his lawyer, and our divorce judgment was signed and recorded today.  TODAY.  Of all days.  It really threw me for a loop.

I had been ready for this.  I was looking forward to it, even.  For the last few weeks I've been antsy to have it finished.  I proclaimed I want my name back!  I want this hellish year to be over!  I want to be able to officially move on!  I am ready to begin the rest of my life!  I imagined what it would feel like to get the papers in the mail.  Every envelope I received from my lawyer was opened with bated breath in anticipation of FINALLY!  DIVORCED!  YAY!  ...And then a slight twinge of disappointment when it wasn't that piece of paper I was waiting for. 

It never occurred to me that it would happen on this day of all days.  I mean...really...what are the odds??

 

I made it through my meeting somehow, and couldn't get to a glass of wine quickly enough.  I figured I deserved it.  Needed it.  I decided not to go back to work - there was no way I could concentrate anyway, and besides, I had worked 10+ hours the day before so I could afford to take off early.

I told X. I would call him back after my meeting, so I did.  I wasn't quite sure what to say to him... "Happy Divorce?"  "Congratulations we're no longer together?"  It was one of the stranger moments in my life.  I wanted to share this huge moment, commemorate it in some way...but all that came out was, "Well, God certainly has a sense of humor.  His timing is impeccable."

Afterwards I went and sat on the beach and watched the sunset.

I wanted to cry, but the tears never came.  I just felt numb.  Detached.  Empty.  And somewhere, deep where I could barely touch it, very very sad. 

So life goes on.  I am now officially divorced.  On the same day I got engaged.  How odd.

I'm baaaack

Hello internet!  I've missed you!  Sorry I disappeared for awhile -- I needed some time off to deal with Life.  I had some very good things happen...and some stressful things, but I'm here now and hope you will hop back on the ride with me. 

In the meantime, here's a pretty picture to celebrate spring!