Sassy Lassie .net

Because God has a sense of humor

This day, eleven years ago, I experienced the Happiest Day Of My Life.  I was visiting my then boyfriend's family in Northern California.  I woke up and had breakfast at one of my favorite sidewalk cafes while the boyfriend went and ran some errands.  I wrote in my journal, spent some time people watching, and relaxed with an amazing chai tea latte in my hand.  The boyfriend picked me up, and we went for a hike on the same trail we hiked on on our second date.  I was talking to the boyfriend about something, but he wasn't paying attention to me.  I got annoyed and called him on it.  The next thing I knew he had pulled out a ring and was on one knee proposing to me.  This was the day X. became my fiance.  And fifteen months later, he became my husband. 

That afternoon was a flurry of celebrating with X.'s family, and getting a manicure (since I became veeery left handed all of a sudden), calling my family (X. had already asked them for my hand in marriage), and being oh-so-happy that my life was on track, right where I wanted it to be.   I have never been so happy, or so in love, or so giddy with possibility as I was on that day.  My wedding day was rife with family drama, but my Engagement Day?  My Engagement Day was perfection.

Fast forward eleven years.  I got a call from X. at work today.  I couldn't talk for long because I was running out to a meeting, but he let me know that he had just heard from his lawyer, and our divorce judgment was signed and recorded today.  TODAY.  Of all days.  It really threw me for a loop.

I had been ready for this.  I was looking forward to it, even.  For the last few weeks I've been antsy to have it finished.  I proclaimed I want my name back!  I want this hellish year to be over!  I want to be able to officially move on!  I am ready to begin the rest of my life!  I imagined what it would feel like to get the papers in the mail.  Every envelope I received from my lawyer was opened with bated breath in anticipation of FINALLY!  DIVORCED!  YAY!  ...And then a slight twinge of disappointment when it wasn't that piece of paper I was waiting for. 

It never occurred to me that it would happen on this day of all days.  I mean...really...what are the odds??

 

I made it through my meeting somehow, and couldn't get to a glass of wine quickly enough.  I figured I deserved it.  Needed it.  I decided not to go back to work - there was no way I could concentrate anyway, and besides, I had worked 10+ hours the day before so I could afford to take off early.

I told X. I would call him back after my meeting, so I did.  I wasn't quite sure what to say to him... "Happy Divorce?"  "Congratulations we're no longer together?"  It was one of the stranger moments in my life.  I wanted to share this huge moment, commemorate it in some way...but all that came out was, "Well, God certainly has a sense of humor.  His timing is impeccable."

Afterwards I went and sat on the beach and watched the sunset.

I wanted to cry, but the tears never came.  I just felt numb.  Detached.  Empty.  And somewhere, deep where I could barely touch it, very very sad. 

So life goes on.  I am now officially divorced.  On the same day I got engaged.  How odd.

Jeckyll & Hyde

A strange shift has happened:  X. has been affable and pleasant, showing me respect and consideration.  It's disconcerting, and a bit unnerving.  This is a side of him that I haven't seen for years, and I'm sure it's no coincidence that it comes only after I set firm boundaries and established myself as "other."  I fully realize that this is only appearing because I disengaged, and am now seeing the external mask that he puts on for the rest of the world.  This, of course, was the man I thought I was marrying. This was not the man I divorced.

But still...it's a welcome change.

It makes me very nostalgic for the Way Things Were once upon a lifetime ago.  It also makes me very sad that I didn't get to experience that side of X. within the context of our marriage.

If I've learned anything from my marital experience, it's that all sorts of complicated dynamics get triggered in an intimate relationship.  It is widely believed that you choose your partner to help you heal the wounds from your childhood (albeit unconsciously).  This is why your significant other can be so completely different in an intimate relationship from the person that the rest of the world sees.  This is also why you can never really be sure what goes on in a marriage (or LTR) unless you are one of the two people ACTUALLY IN it. 

Throughout this whole divorce process I couldn't wait to be free of X.  He was such a freakin' tool to me the last few years, not to mention throughout the entire separation/divorce process. 

But now?  Now I mourn the loss of the Nice Guy he once was to me.  And try to make sense of the Other Guy he became.

Drawing a line in the sand

I had to deal with X. last week for some last minute things regarding the divorce that needed to be taken care of.  We were talking on the phone and he took that tone with me that he used so often in our relationship.  Very condescending, slightly contemptuous, with a slight air of arrogance.  But THIS time there was a major difference:  I realized that for the first time in so very long...he had no power over me.  None.  There was nothing I needed from him, nothing that he held over me, nothing he could do to me...  He had no control over me. 

It was remarkable.  And completely freeing.

I held my ground in our discussion.  I set boundaries, and refused to let those boundaries  be breached.  And to my complete surprise...he backed off.  I couldn't believe it.  It felt like the bully in the schoolyard who keeps coming at you until you stand up to him -- only then does he back down and you discover that your power was within you all along.   

And in that moment, I was truly divorced.

Brother, can you spare a dime?

I am in the unenviable position of having to get a second mortgage on my house in a market that is turned on it's ear.  I am buying my ex out of his half of our house, and I am finding that trying to navigate the waters involved with getting financing...is making me a little seasick. 

I have been working with a great mortgage broker -- the same one, incidentally, who got me in to a fantastic mortgage with a fantastic rate 2 1/2 years ago.  Now I am perfectly aware that the housing market has drastically changed since then, and have had realistic expectations going in to this.  But what is frustrating is the fact that the banks are changing the rules weekly - sometimes daily - and I am finding it impossible to keep up with their demands.  Here's how it goes:  my mortgage broker calls me and tells me that the bank needs yet another document.  (This of course, is after I have already provided them with all of my financial information, birth certificate, passport, and a notarized copy of an IOU for my left arm.)  I spend a day or two locating said needed document, get it to my broker, who gets it to the bank, who in that couple of days has changed their rules and I either a) no longer qualify under their new guidelines, or b) they need yet ANOTHER piece of documentation. 

It's CRAZY. 

I understand that lenders are trying to figure things out so that they don't go bankrupt in the tanking housing market.  I understand that the economy is in a slump (...dare I say...recession...), and that this makes everything harder.  The sub-prime fiasco has had an irreparable ripple effect on the entire housing industry.  But here's where it gets interesting -- I am not part of the sub-prime market.  I am a qualified borrower with a decent credit history, and I am having trouble getting a loan.  So it makes me wonder -- how does ANYONE get financing nowadays?

This whole thing really makes me glad I am not putting my house on the market right now.  Because even if a qualified buyer came along, it would be a roller coaster ride until their loan was actually funded.  If it was funded. 

And that's just no fun.

Happy New Year, once more

How is it that time speeds up as it goes along?  It seems just yesterday that I was thinking I would NEVER be old enough to drive, old enough to vote, old enough to rent a car...  And now that I am old enough to do all those things, now that I have reached all those milestones and them some, time now careens along at a frenetic pace that is hard to wrap my brain around. 

I celebrated another birthday a couple of days ago.  And since my birthday always coincides with the beginning of a new year, I once again found myself contemplating one more year gone by, sorting out where I've been and where I'm going, milestones I've hit or haven't hit, being a year closer to death, a year further from youth, a year that for the first time in a long time I was sorry to see go.  2007 was "The Year Of The Divorce," in which almost all the decisions I made were a direct result of this Very Big Thing going on in my life.  Many great things happened as a result of this:  New job, new traveling, new blog, new relationships...  But hovering over everything was this specter of stress from the divorce, stress at the cost of the lawyer's fees, stress at being in limbo, stress at coming to terms with the fact that X. didn't care if I could pay my bills or not and showed no sense of compassion or decency while I was getting on my feet.  So it was a year of good and bad.  Some very real progress, and some very large stress.  Oh, how I long for a year of average stresses.  I haven't had that in quite a while. 

I've adopted a new motto, courtesy of my dear friend E. -- "Feelin' Great in 2008!"  May it be a year of many milestones and accomplishments, and of little, average-sized stresses. 

And if past experience is any indicator, in a blink I'll be looking back on this year, once more contemplating the fragility of time and existence. 

So it is.

Coooold

I woke up on Sunday to discover it was f***ing cold in my house.  I checked my thermostat and sure enough, it was in the low 60's.  Brrrrrrrr.  I have the heat set to go on and off on a timer so it goes on and off automatically, so I was confused.  I decided...maybe it was tired?  So I turned the heater off for half an hour and then turned it back on.  Nothing.  Definitely broken.  Just in time for the first cold spell to hit the area. 

Lovely.

I couldn't feel my frozen fingers, and decided this just wouldn't do.  Grateful for the long-burning log my brother brought over last weekend, I put it in the fireplace and lit it.  I opened the fireplace screen (more warmth) and sat in front of the fire.  After about 45 minutes my hands were toasty warm again.  Ahhh.

This whole thing reminds me of something I haven't thought about for quite a while.  It was a cold, frosty January evening two years ago, and X. and I were just returning from the hospital after I had had emergency surgery earlier in the week.  We walked in to a freezing house to discover that our gas had been shut off.  Turns out X. hadn't paid the gas bill in a few months, after repeatedly assuring me he was taking care of things.  I was livid.  I was in pain.  I was tired.  And I was cold.  We lit a fire for warmth, and after one very cold night and much haggling, he got the Gas Company to come out and turn it back on the next morning.  He finally paid the bill, along with the hefty deposit that was required now because of his delinquency.

The thing that angered me the most was that we HAD the money to pay the bill -- he just neglected to do so.  As we tried to work through our problems in the final years, he kept saying he wanted and needed more responsibility and trust (which I very much wanted to give him).  But the sad reality was that when he took stuff on his plate, things like this happened with alarming regularity.  I constantly struggled with wanting to save my marriage, needing a partner and NOT someone to monitor, and also realizing I had to protect my own credit and financial standing so that I didn't drown in his irresponsibility. 

It makes me happy to realize, on days like today, that the heat isn't working because of a mechanical malfunction and not because the bill hasn't been paid. 

Oh, silver lining.

Oh happy day!

X. and I finally reached an agreement for a divorce settlement.  I can't reveal any of the details just now, but I am very happy with how it all turned out.  There are a few i's to dot and t's to cross over the next few weeks, and then this thing will be over and behind me.

Wheeee!!!

And...the holidays begin

Although it sucked that X. and I split up just before the holidays last year, the upside is that at least now I am not facing my first holiday season as a single person.  Last year it was hard.  Harder than hard.  It felt so unfair and unduly difficult because not only was I processing the break-up of my marriage and trying to figure out how I was going to keep a roof over my head, but I was also wading through being alone during the holidays for the first time in my adult life.  All at the same time. 

This year, I have a template to fall back on.  I am going to spend Thanksgiving with one of my closest friends and her family in Orange County.  Then I'll drive back up to LA and go to hang at another friend's place who is having an Orphan's Thanksgiving with people coming and going all day long.  It's a great place to go to kick back, relax, be among friends, have a drink, and be silly. 

I think the most important thing I've tried to do during this time is create new traditions for myself.  Things that have nothing to do with X., but are wholly mine alone. 

It hasn't been easy.  But it has been worth it.

Looking back

I think the timing of this blog is interesting, since it was almost exactly a year ago that X. and decided to split up.  When I think of myself last year, I think of a gal who was scared, exhausted, in shock, relieved, hurt, prone to spontaneous bouts of crying, and worried for her future survival.  Everything was a big unknown.  I had to repeat the mantra, "I will survive this, I am strong" ...not really feeling that way, but hoping I could "fake it 'til I make it."

And you know what?  It kinda worked.

I think of how far I've come in that time, and all that has happened this past year.  If I could talk to the Me of one year ago, I would let her know that once she got through the holidays, she would begin to see how much better her life was without X.  I would tell her that not only would she get a great job in the field of her choosing, but that after a couple months of interviews, she would get three solid offers in the same week, and get to negotiate and choose between them.  I would tell her that her music career would take a huge leap forward.  That there would be more stress and betrayal then she could imagine, splashed with plenty of difficult times…but there would be lots of good times mixed in, too.  That she would start traveling again.  She would reconnect with old friends.  She would lose that damn stress weight she had been battling.  She would begin dating again, and actually enjoy it.  That she would discover for the first time in...oh, forever...that men actually found her attractive.  And TOLD her.  (Something X. never did.)  She would discover dancing and laughing and being silly and having fun and going out and inner-peace again - things that had been buried within for far too long during stretches of years of pain and unhappiness.

What a difference a year can make.